Happy Festivus!

I think this might be the 4th year we celebrate. Our usual is Chinese takeout and beer, a stout. I am excited for tonight!

It's been such a good day so far too. Second day in a row that I cook breakfast and make the coffee. (I never make the coffee). And now I get to enjoy the solitude of a quiet home. It appears that everyone is either at work, out shopping, or still asleep. It is just me and the cat, where ever she is. 

A cup of coffee (my third) and Emitown on the couch. I've already forgotten what day of the week it is. Feels like summer vacation.

open road

Two weeks of vacation is too luxurious to spend at home. I am not accustomed to this much free time. I, however, have promised myself that I would make good use of this vacation. It'd be great to start the new year ahead of my goals. 2015 scares me in a good way. I am going to take on everything I have always wanted, that fear has stopped me from doing. It is easy to continue on as I have been but I want so much more. The risk is high for all that I dream of.

Quiet

I've been feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions in the last two days. I can't say that it is for any particular reason. There are many reasons. Good and bad.

All I wanted today was to come home to an empty house. It is one of those days where I would like to be alone to recharge. I wanted to feel the quiet.

I would like to pull up to the drive way knowing that no one is there. How nice it would be to put a record on. Loud. Keeping the lights dim, grabbing a steaming cup of tea or whiskey on the rocks. Pulling myself up in the comfort of my softest blanket. And breathing, embracing the sound of the scratched vinyl playing my favorite songs. If tears flow, letting them flow, feeling the cathartic release and filling back up with the peacefulness within.

Seasons

It used to be that summer was my favorite time of the year. I am habitually cold and had to walk to school, so I welcomed the heat. It also helped that summer meant lots of free time as a kid. It was a time to check out an allotted number of books and spend day and night reading. Summers were stress free.

As I've gotten older, that changed. There is no summer off as an adult and the heat seems less bearable. My favorite time of the year is now, all the way to January. With the holidays, comes time off. The nights are filled with tea and hot chocolate, warm blankets, and cozy lighting.

Traditions are now something to look forward to. Danny and I created our own. We watch scary movies and give out Mexican candy on Halloween. We spend all day cooking on Thanksgiving. We have our 12 dates of Christmas. We watch movies and cook a hearty meal on Christmas eve. With the new year comes a fresh start and my birthday.

It has been a rough year and I am idealistically thinking of the future.

Moving Forward

I am standing at a cross road.

I make all these grand statements of what I want, of future plans. I am nothing more than a dreamer. Unhappy in a current situation, it helps to conjure up ideas of what the future might be. Will I move forward towards what I want or will I overthink things and tread predictably careful?

Playing Catch Up..

It has been roughly two months since I last posted here. A lot has happened since then. I saw my family more in the past two months than I probably have in the last 7-ish years and am forever thankful to have them in my life. I started summer school and have two weeks left to go. I went to Yosemite on the 4th of July weekend. And I got engaged.

School has kept me busiest of all and I love it. On Mondays and Wednesdays I am up at 4am and don't get to bed until 11pm, yet I somehow come home more energized than when I left. I started off a little rough in my writing, as I haven't given grammar or the MLA style much thought in the past 10 years. Slowly, my writing has improved. I still have a long way to go but I can already see the difference in my essays. I am lucky to have a very enthusiastic teacher. He is very encouraging with all of us and constantly keeps the conversation flowing, keeping us absorbed in English class.

About a week ago, he asked me what my major was and we talked for a bit. He asked if I happen to be an English major and I answered undecidedly. I do love English but I have been so lost in the past few years, in regards to a future career. Photography awakened my ambition. Before that photography class last semester, I was okay with idly letting time slip by as I did nothing to further my education or career. It helped propel me forward. It allowed me to dream of a much more fulfilled future and now I see myself struggling to decide which way to go. Can I do both? Do I pick English and keep photography as a hobby? I did always secretly dream of writing a novel but it never felt tangible, so I just tucked my dream away. Whatever I may choose, I will continue to nurture both.

Absence

Not just my own here. My grandfather recently passed away. Time stopped that day.

In the past 10 years or so I have sought out aloneness. I thought it was for the best. I thought it was what I wanted. I thought I thrived in it.

I am an introvert and need alone time to recharge but it went farther than that. I never wanted to disappoint anyone. My biggest fear is failure. I don't try so as not to fail. And in the same respect, I don't get close to many people so that I won't disappoint them.

How naive I was. Not trying guarantees failure and not being there guarantees disappointing loved ones.

While I started to pursue a future career by going back to school, I still remained mostly alone by choice. I didn't so much decline invitations, rather, I retreated back into my shell. I hid. I hibernated.

If it hadn't been for my godfather, I might not have seen my grandfather before his passing. The last time I saw my grandfather was at my godfather's funeral.

It was in church. As I walked in, I spotted him and chose a nearby seat. He didn't see me until we got the part in mass where we give peace and shake hands. It was my chance to turn to him and say hello. I turned, smiled, shook his hand, and all I could manage between "peace be with you" was hello and some mumbled words. He smiled so warmly at me. In that smile I felt so much love and a million memories flooded back. I felt a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes. It was only a few seconds but as I replay back that moment it feels so much longer. Time stops once more.

I wanted to cry. Cry for lost time. Cry for love. Cry for thankfulness. Cry for life.

On the day my grandfather died, he brought me back to my family. I will have to live on with my mistakes as my life comes back full circle.