job search

Searching and applying for jobs non stop this week. I've been out of it for way too long. The last time I applied for a job was in 2008 and that was for a part-time position while I still had my full time job. The times have definitely changed. Cover letter is a whole new thing for me. The applying is stressful but the waiting to hear back can be even more so. How long does it usually take? Well if anything, this is good practice and now I've got an updated resume.

Travels

It's Sunday night. Well, technically it's Monday morning. I'm wide awake as usual, while my husband and cat sleep. I'm listening to Andra Day once again.

I started reading "French Milk" this afternoon and decide to knock off a few more pages while I waited for sleep to hit. In the midst of blindly reaching out for a bookmark, I came across an old note of mine. It was from a cafe in Prague. It was dated September 28, 2014.

It was from Cafe Louvre, on our trip, last year. And suddenly it all came rushing back. We were cold and wandering the streets. We were trying to figure out what to do with the rest of our night. There was a Lego store nearby. We ducked in, hoping to find a gift for my nephew. Instead we walked out with a frankenstein lego keychain. That's when I decided to do a random search of nearby places and Cafe Louvre popped up. It was a short walk away. We walked up a flight of stairs and wondered if we were underdressed. We were seated at a table and to my very cheerful surprise found a vegan option to go with my tea. My husband was all too excited to try their Turkish coffee.

We ordered. Afterwards as we waited for our bill, I noticed a some note paper and pencil. It was a perfect squared piece of paper with "Cafe Louvre" on the top. While we waited I quickly scribbled, "enjoyed a hot drink and dessert here tonight. Sunday, September 28, 2014. We leave to Brussels on Tuesday and Prague has been beautiful thus far."

I might have forgotten all about that night. But it is amazing how a quickly scrawled note can make such a difference. I can remember how I felt walking up those steps, the white and black color scheme, the salmon color standing out, the well dressed waiters, and the newspaper waiting to be read. I can remember all that and more. The sights and smells come back. I knew that someday I'd be looking back on that night and that that note would be a helpful reminder.

I may not be able to travel in real time but I can travel in time with mementos like these.

Quiet Nights

Oh the affinity for these late nights. I try and shield my husband from the dim, yellow light on the nightstand and the glow coming off the laptop. With soft volume, Spotify provides me with the soundtrack to my sleepless nights.

In my 20s I had somehow convinced myself that I was a morning person but the truth is that I love late nights. And I love sleeping in. I do, on occasion, enjoy seeing the sun rise and feeling like I am the only person who has freshly awoken at 5 in the morning. But for the most part, it's those late nights that really get me.

I'm full of good intentions with none of the follow through or commitment.

Me

I have not felt like myself.

The year definitely did start off in the most perfect way. In nature, with little cell/internet service, just me and my boo. I think I will always remember my 30th through rose colored glasses because it was just that good and I felt that good too. That was a place where I felt like myself. Authentically.

But these past few months have been a struggle. Like a daily struggle. A struggle to get out of bed. A struggle to clean. A struggle to leave the house. A struggle to do anything requiring anything of me.

Sure I managed, a few times, to go out and be with friends or family, to partake and enjoy social events but it was a struggle to get there.

This is a defining time for me. Who am I? Who do I want to become? Or better yet, how do I wish to evolve? I did think about these things but I also mostly blanked out to the television.

Yesterday I finally managed to pull myself out of bed and I was surprised to find that for the first time in months I felt pretty great about it. My husband and I ran errands, cooked dinner, cleaned the house, and still had time to relax on the couch before bedtime. It was one of those days that you wish wouldn't end.

Being in this transition period of not knowing what is next left me kind of vulnerable. There were periods where I'd lose myself, where I'd feel less than-trying to be someone I am not. I always feel best when I am true to myself. In the current world we live in, it gets harder and harder to keep the outside influences outside. Being constantly bombarded with images, I have to take a step back and ask myself if I truly like/want something or is it just because everyone else does? And even more importantly, am I doing this and that for myself or for others?

I recently came across this quote from Angelina Jolie and it perfectly sums it all up. She said, "If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I'm not frightened by anyone's perception of me."

Because the truth is, I am more confident and care less of how I am perceived when I am most myself. It's when I am trying to live up to other people's expectations that I end up feeling like less than. And I am sick of reminding myself to just be me so let's hope it stick this time. I'd like more good days. More days of focusing in on what I do enjoy, on what I would like to accomplish, on speaking my truth.

I recently finished Mindy's book and loved it even more than her first book. She writes honestly and with a sense of humor. I admire that about her.

One of the things she discussed was confidence. She didn't give the usual advice you hear everywhere. It wasn't superficial. She said, "confidence is like respect, you have to earn it." How great it that? It's refreshing to hear because it is not often that we hear of hard work. She worked hard. She put in the long hours. She worked on her craft. She earned that confidence.

And of course I've heard it before.
Picasso: Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.
Henri Cartier Bresson: Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst.

But I never thought much of it in regards to confidence.

When I was younger I was a lot more confident and that is probably because I didn't base my confidence on my looks (my appearance was the last thing on my mind) or material processions and also because I put effort and work into most things I did. I was least confident when I wasn't prepared.

My 20s were definitely the roller coaster of confidence. My appearance somehow shot up to the top of what I based it on. And when it wasn't based on my looks it was based on wanting/acquiring material things. I can't go back in time to change that but I can opt to become who I'd like to be. I don't want to be known for my looks. I want to be known for my work, my contribution, my brain. It's much too easy to slip away from that when there are images all around me telling me quite the opposite. I just have to remember that feeling, the feeling of peace, when I am true to myself. Maybe I won't fit in as well as I have in the past but that's the risk. Do I want to blend in or do I want to be authentic and stand out? My introverted/people-pleaser self wants nothing more than to quietly blend in but then it'd be a waste of potential.

Like a Monday..

Here I am, avoiding writing, as per usual. If I were honest I'm avoiding a lot of other things too but mostly writing. Weeks have gone by and the only post I've written lays unpublished-where it will likely remain. Daily life as well as enjoyable experiences have happened but I don't quite feel like writing about any of it. I'd rather write about my own introspection but I won't do that either. Instead I'll leave off here and dive into Mindy Kaling's Why Not Me? Because why not me?