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Days go by with nothingness. 

The cycle of extraneous idle time mixed with the over abundance of social media has left me in a catatonic state.

And so I read. Today it's Bukowski.

"it's just a slow day moving into a slow night.

it doesn't matter what you do

everything just stays the same.

the cats sleep it off, the dogs don't bark,

it's just a slow day moving into a slow night."

"endless hot summer nights.

the blades of the fan tap and rattle

against the wire cage.

the air doesn't move."

"I've memorized tonight and now and the way the

light falls across my fingers,

specks and smears on the wall,

shades down behind orange curtains;

I light a rolled cigarette and then laugh a little,

yes, I've memorized it all."

mom

It's not that there are no words, it's that there are too many.

I miss you constantly. I love you always.

I don't know if I'm the cause of my environment or my environment is the cause of me. My surrounding rooms are as chaotic and overwhelming as I feel. And I am in constant search of a creative outlet.

It's late. Everyone sleeps but me. I'm book shopping even with shelves upon shelves of unread books. I need help.

February was a tough month. It forced me to face a lot of emotions, fears, regrets. Although there were nights where I drowned them out with alcohol and television. Anything to avoid my own thoughts.

I had no desire to write or bake. I mostly stayed off snapchat and instagram. I didn't keep up with my friends as I usually do. I essentially kept to myself. Being with family is what energized me. It forced me to get out of the house and once I was out, I was fine. Seeing the kids run around and finding joy in everything gave me a new perspective.

This month I am trying to get back to what was normal but I still feel off kilter. All I really want to do is to take a trip. Somewhere that requires a long drive and being out in nature. I feel the impulsive need to do it.

Novenario

Today was the last night of the novenario and all I could think was I'm going to miss seeing my family every night.

Family

At a time of loss, it is family holding us together.

I'm sure that for many of us it was one of the hardest moments of our lives yesterday afternoon. But in that room of sorrow was also so much love. It helps to know that she wasn't alone. She was surrounded by love.

I'm so grateful for the childhood I was given. For all the wonderful memories. For the unconditional love.

I have regrets. I have lessons learned.

The kindness from my aunts and uncles and cousins has meant so much; all of their kind words and gestures. I have loved listening to their stories. I have loved getting to know them better. And I am very much looking forward to spending more time with them.



Grandma. Loving. Strong. Matriarch. Thank you for everything.