unemployed

How do people do it? I have been working ever since I was 17 or 18 and only temporarily didn't work for about a week, once, between jobs.

I've officially been unemployed for a week and am already going mad with all this free time. I am definitely a lot less productive when I have more time. I have always worked better under pressure.

My time has been filled with cleaning, laundry, cooking, baking, organizing, and lots of Netflix. I have attempted to pick up a book on a few occasions but haven't even managed to read more than a handful of pages and a comic or two. Even now, I sit here on my freshly made bed, forcing myself to write.

I had idealized all this free time. I thought I'd make a big dent in my to be read pile, I'd take a ton of photographs, I'd venture out to new places, and yet I have done none of these.

The one exception to the dullness would be my birthday weekend. I got to spend it up in Big Sur with my fiancé. My best friends were so kind. They surprised me with a stay at Deetjen's as it was my dream to spend the day up there in nature, on my 30th birthday.

After months of being unused, I dusted off my camera and took many photos, all the while, trying to to stay in the moment.

We drove up at midnight and made it there right at sunrise. We grabbed some coffee and tea at Big Sur Bakery, drove all the way up past Bixby Bridge, hiked down to the beach, drove back down, stopped for a hike at Pfeiffer State Park, had a late lunch at Nepenthe with the most beautiful view, and visited the Henry Miller library, before finally checking into Deetjen's.

The next day we visited Pfeiffer Beach and it was my favorite place of all. We sat on an old log while we sipped coffee and munched on banana bread and chex mix. We couldn't complain. We had the best view. There were few people there. The sand had mixtures of purple in it. The water was so clear, in all shades of blue. The waves were powerful. The sun gave off just enough heat. I could not have asked for a more perfect morning. We had only planned to stay for maybe 30 minutes but two hours went by and we hardly noticed. That was our last and most impressive stop before heading back home.

Now I am back to reality but hoping to keep some of that magic. I know that once I start school, in two weeks, I'll be much more enthusiastic. I don't doubt that stress will follow but it'll be the good kind. It will be the kind that pushes me to be greater.

(baking out of boredness)

(Pfeiffer Beach)

Phases

I feel good. Like really good. Like I am inner smiling good. I can't help it. I am glowing. I am radiating.

On January 5, 2015 I turned in my two weeks notice. I spent 10 years at a good company, made great friends, learned a lot, grew up, and was able to settle down and get myself in order. However, that phase is over. I felt it and knew it was time to move on. I will be forever grateful for that time.

On January 19, 2015 at 3:00pm PST, I start a new phase. It is the phase of the risk taker, the unknower , the dream chaser, the life grasper. It feels so right. It feels like I can breathe. It is scary but in the best way. I listened to what others thought was best for so long and now I am doing what I believe, what I know, to be truly what is best for myself. Liberating.

For once, I don't feel the need to write up some new year's resolutions. It might have to do with the fact that I am now finally ready to acknowledge what it is that I want. That was difficult enough to do. It was hard admitting what I want because that put it out there with the possibility of not achieving it. I don't care if I fail anymore. Failing means I went after it. Failing is better than not trying at all. Failing means I am living. I am awake.

I spent years with a void I couldn't fill. I complained, wondering how so many know what it is that they want at such a young age. I laugh now because deep down I always knew. The signs are plastered all over drawn out journals, books, online posts, pictures from all those years. I just wasn't ready to accept it. I am now. So now I smile. I am not naive. I know it won't be easy but who cares? The toughness will shape me, will teach me, will make me better. And all the while I will secretly be loving it because I'll do it with love. Love for the life I was meant for.

time

The last week was a whir. I hardly knew it happened. My days were gladly filled with family and friends. There was lots of catching up that occurred. Presents were given and received. There was champagne and board games and laughs. The nights were cold and the lights twinkled.

This week is all too real. The dreaded new year's eve is coming upon me. I am not ready. This year kind of sucked. There were a lot of great moments sprinkled in; they kept me going. But there was also a lot of tough moments.

I have heard that your twenties are the toughest years but I didn't realize that the last year of my twenties would be one of the hardest, life-facing years. My whole future, it seemed, was thrust upon me as a question that I must answer.

In my second week of vacation, I decided to do a little organizing. In doing so, I came upon some old writing of mine and was faced with very similar feelings from a younger me. In an assignment for a career planning class (haha-much that helped) I wrote this:
     "...maybe I want to be a writer/novelist, photographer, actor...anyone one of those sounds fun...but I don't think I have enough talent for those. I hate to see myself end up in a boring but professional job. I don't want to be stuck in a cube the rest of my life. I want to...visit many places. I want the unreachable, untouchable what people only dream about. I want to have what I'm afraid I'll never have. I wonder if everyone else has felt this way at some point or...if I'm only one of the few that have felt what I feel now... [I am] too wrapped up in nothing. [I] work, come home, go out with friends, come home, sleep, and the cycle continues...What happened to all that was once important? Now nothing seems important anymore...What am I going to do about it? Nothing, probably. Why? Because I am scared...I'm scared of what I have become."

I cannot allow myself lose the dream. I have traveled and will continue to do so. I will write, regardless of whether it turns into a career or not. I will not allow myself to get stuck in an endless cycle of mindlessness. I will be scared but I will not let it deter me.

Christmas Eve

It feels good to sleep in a little. There is so much I need to do before we go visit the families but I just want to lay here a bit longer, reading Emitown with Netflix in the background.

I am excited to wrap gifts and bake some pies though. (I hope the apple pies come out as good as they did at Thanksgiving). I just get nervous being with all the families. I am awkward. Yet, I get better with time, I think.

On a different topic, would it be totally nuts to think about moving to Portland? Soo many things lately make it seem like it would be a fun, positive thing. Ideally, I'd love to live in different places for a few months at a time. Spain would be a great location. But I wouldn't want to uproot my cat's very pleasant life at home with us. She loves this house and the sunny backyard and is terrible with car rides (I would be too if I knew the car meant going to the vet), so airplane rides are out of the question.

This has definitely been a different Christmas Eve so far. Looking forward to leftovers for lunch.

Last night's festivus's dinner:

Happy Festivus!

I think this might be the 4th year we celebrate. Our usual is Chinese takeout and beer, a stout. I am excited for tonight!

It's been such a good day so far too. Second day in a row that I cook breakfast and make the coffee. (I never make the coffee). And now I get to enjoy the solitude of a quiet home. It appears that everyone is either at work, out shopping, or still asleep. It is just me and the cat, where ever she is. 

A cup of coffee (my third) and Emitown on the couch. I've already forgotten what day of the week it is. Feels like summer vacation.

open road

Two weeks of vacation is too luxurious to spend at home. I am not accustomed to this much free time. I, however, have promised myself that I would make good use of this vacation. It'd be great to start the new year ahead of my goals. 2015 scares me in a good way. I am going to take on everything I have always wanted, that fear has stopped me from doing. It is easy to continue on as I have been but I want so much more. The risk is high for all that I dream of.

Quiet

I've been feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions in the last two days. I can't say that it is for any particular reason. There are many reasons. Good and bad.

All I wanted today was to come home to an empty house. It is one of those days where I would like to be alone to recharge. I wanted to feel the quiet.

I would like to pull up to the drive way knowing that no one is there. How nice it would be to put a record on. Loud. Keeping the lights dim, grabbing a steaming cup of tea or whiskey on the rocks. Pulling myself up in the comfort of my softest blanket. And breathing, embracing the sound of the scratched vinyl playing my favorite songs. If tears flow, letting them flow, feeling the cathartic release and filling back up with the peacefulness within.