I don't know if I'm the cause of my environment or my environment is the cause of me. My surrounding rooms are as chaotic and overwhelming as I feel. And I am in constant search of a creative outlet.

It's late. Everyone sleeps but me. I'm book shopping even with shelves upon shelves of unread books. I need help.

February was a tough month. It forced me to face a lot of emotions, fears, regrets. Although there were nights where I drowned them out with alcohol and television. Anything to avoid my own thoughts.

I had no desire to write or bake. I mostly stayed off snapchat and instagram. I didn't keep up with my friends as I usually do. I essentially kept to myself. Being with family is what energized me. It forced me to get out of the house and once I was out, I was fine. Seeing the kids run around and finding joy in everything gave me a new perspective.

This month I am trying to get back to what was normal but I still feel off kilter. All I really want to do is to take a trip. Somewhere that requires a long drive and being out in nature. I feel the impulsive need to do it.

Novenario

Today was the last night of the novenario and all I could think was I'm going to miss seeing my family every night.

Family

At a time of loss, it is family holding us together.

I'm sure that for many of us it was one of the hardest moments of our lives yesterday afternoon. But in that room of sorrow was also so much love. It helps to know that she wasn't alone. She was surrounded by love.

I'm so grateful for the childhood I was given. For all the wonderful memories. For the unconditional love.

I have regrets. I have lessons learned.

The kindness from my aunts and uncles and cousins has meant so much; all of their kind words and gestures. I have loved listening to their stories. I have loved getting to know them better. And I am very much looking forward to spending more time with them.



Grandma. Loving. Strong. Matriarch. Thank you for everything.

And just like that, Mercury is no longer in retrograde. Suddenly I'm full of energy and happily running errands on my day off. I'm paying bills without the usual fear of the low balance in my checking account. And there were even good brussel sprouts in the produce bin at the grocery  store this time.

I'm actually feeling open to creative projects and am meeting my cousin later to discuss some writing possibilities over vegan dinner. 

I am not even going to ruin today by obsessing over having to work the entire upcoming weekend. 

I've restocked the flour and sugar and might just bake myself a chocolate cake. 

I've been in a creative slump lately. I'm still trying to get used to working random hours on random days. And it has left me with little time for fun. I've struggled to do much of anything but watch Gilmore Girls and bake. And I am running low on flour and sugar.