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Days go by with nothingness. 

The cycle of extraneous idle time mixed with the over abundance of social media has left me in a catatonic state.

And so I read. Today it's Bukowski.

"it's just a slow day moving into a slow night.

it doesn't matter what you do

everything just stays the same.

the cats sleep it off, the dogs don't bark,

it's just a slow day moving into a slow night."

"endless hot summer nights.

the blades of the fan tap and rattle

against the wire cage.

the air doesn't move."

"I've memorized tonight and now and the way the

light falls across my fingers,

specks and smears on the wall,

shades down behind orange curtains;

I light a rolled cigarette and then laugh a little,

yes, I've memorized it all."

mom

It's not that there are no words, it's that there are too many.

I miss you constantly. I love you always.

I don't know if I'm the cause of my environment or my environment is the cause of me. My surrounding rooms are as chaotic and overwhelming as I feel. And I am in constant search of a creative outlet.

It's late. Everyone sleeps but me. I'm book shopping even with shelves upon shelves of unread books. I need help.

February was a tough month. It forced me to face a lot of emotions, fears, regrets. Although there were nights where I drowned them out with alcohol and television. Anything to avoid my own thoughts.

I had no desire to write or bake. I mostly stayed off snapchat and instagram. I didn't keep up with my friends as I usually do. I essentially kept to myself. Being with family is what energized me. It forced me to get out of the house and once I was out, I was fine. Seeing the kids run around and finding joy in everything gave me a new perspective.

This month I am trying to get back to what was normal but I still feel off kilter. All I really want to do is to take a trip. Somewhere that requires a long drive and being out in nature. I feel the impulsive need to do it.

Novenario

Today was the last night of the novenario and all I could think was I'm going to miss seeing my family every night.

Family

At a time of loss, it is family holding us together.

I'm sure that for many of us it was one of the hardest moments of our lives yesterday afternoon. But in that room of sorrow was also so much love. It helps to know that she wasn't alone. She was surrounded by love.

I'm so grateful for the childhood I was given. For all the wonderful memories. For the unconditional love.

I have regrets. I have lessons learned.

The kindness from my aunts and uncles and cousins has meant so much; all of their kind words and gestures. I have loved listening to their stories. I have loved getting to know them better. And I am very much looking forward to spending more time with them.



Grandma. Loving. Strong. Matriarch. Thank you for everything.

And just like that, Mercury is no longer in retrograde. Suddenly I'm full of energy and happily running errands on my day off. I'm paying bills without the usual fear of the low balance in my checking account. And there were even good brussel sprouts in the produce bin at the grocery  store this time.

I'm actually feeling open to creative projects and am meeting my cousin later to discuss some writing possibilities over vegan dinner. 

I am not even going to ruin today by obsessing over having to work the entire upcoming weekend. 

I've restocked the flour and sugar and might just bake myself a chocolate cake. 

I've been in a creative slump lately. I'm still trying to get used to working random hours on random days. And it has left me with little time for fun. I've struggled to do much of anything but watch Gilmore Girls and bake. And I am running low on flour and sugar. 

31

31 and mercury is in retrograde. It has felt just like that kind of week. My emotions are everywhere so I am spending my day off in bed re-watching Gilmore Girls for the hundredth time. I have a ton to do this week and will be working all of the upcoming weekend thus I am avoiding all of it. I am a great avoider/procrastinator.

I did, however, have a great birthday. I spent it just like I wanted, in Joshua Tree. I wasn't sure what to expect but it was better than what I had pictured. None of us had been before so we stopped at the visitor center, grabbed a map, and headed out to Keys View first. That's where the bottom picture was taken. From there we drove in the direction of Jumbo Rocks/Skull Rock. I would say "we" climbed rocks but honestly I am such a klutz that I avoided most climbing except for when we found a spot to take a snack/drink break. At the end of the night we pulled over at Indian Cove to look at the stars but were freezing so we didn't stay for long.  I can't wait to go back and hopefully camp overnight next time.

It's days like that that I am constantly wanderlusting about.

It's almost my birthday eve. Last year had the expectation of being "big"/"important" as I was turning 30. But this year I have the pleasure of turning 31. I am very much looking forward to it. I love being in my 30s. It feels good. I feel good. I have never felt more like myself. (Well except for when I was 17-but I am getting back to that).

This year, on my 31st birthday, I plan to drive to Joshua Tree. I've never been but have heard great things. Last year I drove to Big Sur and it was such a great experience that I want to keep it going. It is my wish to try something new each year. I still desperately want to go to the grand canyon but for now Joshua Tree will do. I love being somewhere I have never been before. I love being surprised. I love having a new perspective.

I have to work most of Sunday so I'll enjoy tomorrow, explore Saturday, and get back to reality Sunday.

Dreams have been a big discussion these last few days so I thought I better start now. I've always wished I could have artistic qualities as both my brothers are extremely talented. It must have skipped me, the middle child. I do enjoy writing so I'll focus on that, here.

While there is hopefulness in this post, there is also sadness on my mind. My grandma hasn't been doing so well. Almost two years ago I wrote about my grandpa's passing. And my grandma is a tough, stubborn woman. I love that about her but it also sucks when she is being stubborn about her meds and food/fluids. So I am here praying and hoping she gets better. And I can only imagine how tough it must be for her.

Yes, 31 will be a growing year, as all the years are. Love, adventure, and the unknown, it's all in there. No matter what, I will never stop being vulnerable. I will never stop loving. I will never stop being myself.

On a separate note, it is completely hard not to cringe reading back some of my older posts. I am my own worst critic and really want to hit delete or at the very least edit some of those older posts but I wont. They're bad and they'll stay that way. It's the ones where I am most honest that I feel good about. Like this entry I wrote about the struggle I had been going through. I'll let that be a lesson to myself. Being real is where my better writing lies.

And now it's 2016

December turned out to be filled with a whole bunch of new experiences.

I started working at a place which is the complete opposite of what I've been used to. And honestly, that's been great for me. It's what I needed. This past month, I also saw the new Star Wars movie, visited the Seinfeld apartment pop-up, finally got to try Burgerlords in Chinatown (which I've never been to either), was in book heaven at The Last Bookstore, and thoroughly enjoyed The Broad with my husband and my family. I definitely want to do that again.

And then, I ended 2015 doing something I never thought I'd get to do, watching Morrissey perform. He was as amazing as I thought he would be.

Thinking back, I'm realizing that 2015 was the year where I let go of familiarity. A lot of it was hard but I learned a lot. (Even how to take apart a washing machine). And now I'm looking forward new adventures and challenges all year long.

job search

Searching and applying for jobs non stop this week. I've been out of it for way too long. The last time I applied for a job was in 2008 and that was for a part-time position while I still had my full time job. The times have definitely changed. Cover letter is a whole new thing for me. The applying is stressful but the waiting to hear back can be even more so. How long does it usually take? Well if anything, this is good practice and now I've got an updated resume.

Travels

It's Sunday night. Well, technically it's Monday morning. I'm wide awake as usual, while my husband and cat sleep. I'm listening to Andra Day once again.

I started reading "French Milk" this afternoon and decide to knock off a few more pages while I waited for sleep to hit. In the midst of blindly reaching out for a bookmark, I came across an old note of mine. It was from a cafe in Prague. It was dated September 28, 2014.

It was from Cafe Louvre, on our trip, last year. And suddenly it all came rushing back. We were cold and wandering the streets. We were trying to figure out what to do with the rest of our night. There was a Lego store nearby. We ducked in, hoping to find a gift for my nephew. Instead we walked out with a frankenstein lego keychain. That's when I decided to do a random search of nearby places and Cafe Louvre popped up. It was a short walk away. We walked up a flight of stairs and wondered if we were underdressed. We were seated at a table and to my very cheerful surprise found a vegan option to go with my tea. My husband was all too excited to try their Turkish coffee.

We ordered. Afterwards as we waited for our bill, I noticed a some note paper and pencil. It was a perfect squared piece of paper with "Cafe Louvre" on the top. While we waited I quickly scribbled, "enjoyed a hot drink and dessert here tonight. Sunday, September 28, 2014. We leave to Brussels on Tuesday and Prague has been beautiful thus far."

I might have forgotten all about that night. But it is amazing how a quickly scrawled note can make such a difference. I can remember how I felt walking up those steps, the white and black color scheme, the salmon color standing out, the well dressed waiters, and the newspaper waiting to be read. I can remember all that and more. The sights and smells come back. I knew that someday I'd be looking back on that night and that that note would be a helpful reminder.

I may not be able to travel in real time but I can travel in time with mementos like these.

Quiet Nights

Oh the affinity for these late nights. I try and shield my husband from the dim, yellow light on the nightstand and the glow coming off the laptop. With soft volume, Spotify provides me with the soundtrack to my sleepless nights.

In my 20s I had somehow convinced myself that I was a morning person but the truth is that I love late nights. And I love sleeping in. I do, on occasion, enjoy seeing the sun rise and feeling like I am the only person who has freshly awoken at 5 in the morning. But for the most part, it's those late nights that really get me.

I'm full of good intentions with none of the follow through or commitment.

Me

I have not felt like myself.

The year definitely did start off in the most perfect way. In nature, with little cell/internet service, just me and my boo. I think I will always remember my 30th through rose colored glasses because it was just that good and I felt that good too. That was a place where I felt like myself. Authentically.

But these past few months have been a struggle. Like a daily struggle. A struggle to get out of bed. A struggle to clean. A struggle to leave the house. A struggle to do anything requiring anything of me.

Sure I managed, a few times, to go out and be with friends or family, to partake and enjoy social events but it was a struggle to get there.

This is a defining time for me. Who am I? Who do I want to become? Or better yet, how do I wish to evolve? I did think about these things but I also mostly blanked out to the television.

Yesterday I finally managed to pull myself out of bed and I was surprised to find that for the first time in months I felt pretty great about it. My husband and I ran errands, cooked dinner, cleaned the house, and still had time to relax on the couch before bedtime. It was one of those days that you wish wouldn't end.

Being in this transition period of not knowing what is next left me kind of vulnerable. There were periods where I'd lose myself, where I'd feel less than-trying to be someone I am not. I always feel best when I am true to myself. In the current world we live in, it gets harder and harder to keep the outside influences outside. Being constantly bombarded with images, I have to take a step back and ask myself if I truly like/want something or is it just because everyone else does? And even more importantly, am I doing this and that for myself or for others?

I recently came across this quote from Angelina Jolie and it perfectly sums it all up. She said, "If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I'm not frightened by anyone's perception of me."

Because the truth is, I am more confident and care less of how I am perceived when I am most myself. It's when I am trying to live up to other people's expectations that I end up feeling like less than. And I am sick of reminding myself to just be me so let's hope it stick this time. I'd like more good days. More days of focusing in on what I do enjoy, on what I would like to accomplish, on speaking my truth.

I recently finished Mindy's book and loved it even more than her first book. She writes honestly and with a sense of humor. I admire that about her.

One of the things she discussed was confidence. She didn't give the usual advice you hear everywhere. It wasn't superficial. She said, "confidence is like respect, you have to earn it." How great it that? It's refreshing to hear because it is not often that we hear of hard work. She worked hard. She put in the long hours. She worked on her craft. She earned that confidence.

And of course I've heard it before.
Picasso: Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.
Henri Cartier Bresson: Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst.

But I never thought much of it in regards to confidence.

When I was younger I was a lot more confident and that is probably because I didn't base my confidence on my looks (my appearance was the last thing on my mind) or material processions and also because I put effort and work into most things I did. I was least confident when I wasn't prepared.

My 20s were definitely the roller coaster of confidence. My appearance somehow shot up to the top of what I based it on. And when it wasn't based on my looks it was based on wanting/acquiring material things. I can't go back in time to change that but I can opt to become who I'd like to be. I don't want to be known for my looks. I want to be known for my work, my contribution, my brain. It's much too easy to slip away from that when there are images all around me telling me quite the opposite. I just have to remember that feeling, the feeling of peace, when I am true to myself. Maybe I won't fit in as well as I have in the past but that's the risk. Do I want to blend in or do I want to be authentic and stand out? My introverted/people-pleaser self wants nothing more than to quietly blend in but then it'd be a waste of potential.

Like a Monday..

Here I am, avoiding writing, as per usual. If I were honest I'm avoiding a lot of other things too but mostly writing. Weeks have gone by and the only post I've written lays unpublished-where it will likely remain. Daily life as well as enjoyable experiences have happened but I don't quite feel like writing about any of it. I'd rather write about my own introspection but I won't do that either. Instead I'll leave off here and dive into Mindy Kaling's Why Not Me? Because why not me?