The year definitely did start off in the most perfect way. In nature, with little cell/internet service, just me and my boo. I think I will always remember my 30th through rose colored glasses because it was just that good and I felt that good too. That was a place where I felt like myself. Authentically.
But these past few months have been a struggle. Like a daily struggle. A struggle to get out of bed. A struggle to clean. A struggle to leave the house. A struggle to do anything requiring anything of me.
Sure I managed, a few times, to go out and be with friends or family, to partake and enjoy social events but it was a struggle to get there.
This is a defining time for me. Who am I? Who do I want to become? Or better yet, how do I wish to evolve? I did think about these things but I also mostly blanked out to the television.
Yesterday I finally managed to pull myself out of bed and I was surprised to find that for the first time in months I felt pretty great about it. My husband and I ran errands, cooked dinner, cleaned the house, and still had time to relax on the couch before bedtime. It was one of those days that you wish wouldn't end.
Being in this transition period of not knowing what is next left me kind of vulnerable. There were periods where I'd lose myself, where I'd feel less than-trying to be someone I am not. I always feel best when I am true to myself. In the current world we live in, it gets harder and harder to keep the outside influences outside. Being constantly bombarded with images, I have to take a step back and ask myself if I truly like/want something or is it just because everyone else does? And even more importantly, am I doing this and that for myself or for others?
I recently came across this quote from Angelina Jolie and it perfectly sums it all up. She said, "If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I'm not frightened by anyone's perception of me."
Because the truth is, I am more confident and care less of how I am perceived when I am most myself. It's when I am trying to live up to other people's expectations that I end up feeling like less than. And I am sick of reminding myself to just be me so let's hope it stick this time. I'd like more good days. More days of focusing in on what I do enjoy, on what I would like to accomplish, on speaking my truth.