In the past 10 years or so I have sought out aloneness. I thought it was for the best. I thought it was what I wanted. I thought I thrived in it.
I am an introvert and need alone time to recharge but it went farther than that. I never wanted to disappoint anyone. My biggest fear is failure. I don't try so as not to fail. And in the same respect, I don't get close to many people so that I won't disappoint them.
How naive I was. Not trying guarantees failure and not being there guarantees disappointing loved ones.
While I started to pursue a future career by going back to school, I still remained mostly alone by choice. I didn't so much decline invitations, rather, I retreated back into my shell. I hid. I hibernated.
If it hadn't been for my godfather, I might not have seen my grandfather before his passing. The last time I saw my grandfather was at my godfather's funeral.
It was in church. As I walked in, I spotted him and chose a nearby seat. He didn't see me until we got the part in mass where we give peace and shake hands. It was my chance to turn to him and say hello. I turned, smiled, shook his hand, and all I could manage between "peace be with you" was hello and some mumbled words. He smiled so warmly at me. In that smile I felt so much love and a million memories flooded back. I felt a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes. It was only a few seconds but as I replay back that moment it feels so much longer. Time stops once more.
I wanted to cry. Cry for lost time. Cry for love. Cry for thankfulness. Cry for life.
On the day my grandfather died, he brought me back to my family. I will have to live on with my mistakes as my life comes back full circle.
