job search

Searching and applying for jobs non stop this week. I've been out of it for way too long. The last time I applied for a job was in 2008 and that was for a part-time position while I still had my full time job. The times have definitely changed. Cover letter is a whole new thing for me. The applying is stressful but the waiting to hear back can be even more so. How long does it usually take? Well if anything, this is good practice and now I've got an updated resume.

Travels

It's Sunday night. Well, technically it's Monday morning. I'm wide awake as usual, while my husband and cat sleep. I'm listening to Andra Day once again.

I started reading "French Milk" this afternoon and decide to knock off a few more pages while I waited for sleep to hit. In the midst of blindly reaching out for a bookmark, I came across an old note of mine. It was from a cafe in Prague. It was dated September 28, 2014.

It was from Cafe Louvre, on our trip, last year. And suddenly it all came rushing back. We were cold and wandering the streets. We were trying to figure out what to do with the rest of our night. There was a Lego store nearby. We ducked in, hoping to find a gift for my nephew. Instead we walked out with a frankenstein lego keychain. That's when I decided to do a random search of nearby places and Cafe Louvre popped up. It was a short walk away. We walked up a flight of stairs and wondered if we were underdressed. We were seated at a table and to my very cheerful surprise found a vegan option to go with my tea. My husband was all too excited to try their Turkish coffee.

We ordered. Afterwards as we waited for our bill, I noticed a some note paper and pencil. It was a perfect squared piece of paper with "Cafe Louvre" on the top. While we waited I quickly scribbled, "enjoyed a hot drink and dessert here tonight. Sunday, September 28, 2014. We leave to Brussels on Tuesday and Prague has been beautiful thus far."

I might have forgotten all about that night. But it is amazing how a quickly scrawled note can make such a difference. I can remember how I felt walking up those steps, the white and black color scheme, the salmon color standing out, the well dressed waiters, and the newspaper waiting to be read. I can remember all that and more. The sights and smells come back. I knew that someday I'd be looking back on that night and that that note would be a helpful reminder.

I may not be able to travel in real time but I can travel in time with mementos like these.

Quiet Nights

Oh the affinity for these late nights. I try and shield my husband from the dim, yellow light on the nightstand and the glow coming off the laptop. With soft volume, Spotify provides me with the soundtrack to my sleepless nights.

In my 20s I had somehow convinced myself that I was a morning person but the truth is that I love late nights. And I love sleeping in. I do, on occasion, enjoy seeing the sun rise and feeling like I am the only person who has freshly awoken at 5 in the morning. But for the most part, it's those late nights that really get me.

I'm full of good intentions with none of the follow through or commitment.

Me

I have not felt like myself.

The year definitely did start off in the most perfect way. In nature, with little cell/internet service, just me and my boo. I think I will always remember my 30th through rose colored glasses because it was just that good and I felt that good too. That was a place where I felt like myself. Authentically.

But these past few months have been a struggle. Like a daily struggle. A struggle to get out of bed. A struggle to clean. A struggle to leave the house. A struggle to do anything requiring anything of me.

Sure I managed, a few times, to go out and be with friends or family, to partake and enjoy social events but it was a struggle to get there.

This is a defining time for me. Who am I? Who do I want to become? Or better yet, how do I wish to evolve? I did think about these things but I also mostly blanked out to the television.

Yesterday I finally managed to pull myself out of bed and I was surprised to find that for the first time in months I felt pretty great about it. My husband and I ran errands, cooked dinner, cleaned the house, and still had time to relax on the couch before bedtime. It was one of those days that you wish wouldn't end.

Being in this transition period of not knowing what is next left me kind of vulnerable. There were periods where I'd lose myself, where I'd feel less than-trying to be someone I am not. I always feel best when I am true to myself. In the current world we live in, it gets harder and harder to keep the outside influences outside. Being constantly bombarded with images, I have to take a step back and ask myself if I truly like/want something or is it just because everyone else does? And even more importantly, am I doing this and that for myself or for others?

I recently came across this quote from Angelina Jolie and it perfectly sums it all up. She said, "If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I'm not frightened by anyone's perception of me."

Because the truth is, I am more confident and care less of how I am perceived when I am most myself. It's when I am trying to live up to other people's expectations that I end up feeling like less than. And I am sick of reminding myself to just be me so let's hope it stick this time. I'd like more good days. More days of focusing in on what I do enjoy, on what I would like to accomplish, on speaking my truth.

I recently finished Mindy's book and loved it even more than her first book. She writes honestly and with a sense of humor. I admire that about her.

One of the things she discussed was confidence. She didn't give the usual advice you hear everywhere. It wasn't superficial. She said, "confidence is like respect, you have to earn it." How great it that? It's refreshing to hear because it is not often that we hear of hard work. She worked hard. She put in the long hours. She worked on her craft. She earned that confidence.

And of course I've heard it before.
Picasso: Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.
Henri Cartier Bresson: Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst.

But I never thought much of it in regards to confidence.

When I was younger I was a lot more confident and that is probably because I didn't base my confidence on my looks (my appearance was the last thing on my mind) or material processions and also because I put effort and work into most things I did. I was least confident when I wasn't prepared.

My 20s were definitely the roller coaster of confidence. My appearance somehow shot up to the top of what I based it on. And when it wasn't based on my looks it was based on wanting/acquiring material things. I can't go back in time to change that but I can opt to become who I'd like to be. I don't want to be known for my looks. I want to be known for my work, my contribution, my brain. It's much too easy to slip away from that when there are images all around me telling me quite the opposite. I just have to remember that feeling, the feeling of peace, when I am true to myself. Maybe I won't fit in as well as I have in the past but that's the risk. Do I want to blend in or do I want to be authentic and stand out? My introverted/people-pleaser self wants nothing more than to quietly blend in but then it'd be a waste of potential.

Like a Monday..

Here I am, avoiding writing, as per usual. If I were honest I'm avoiding a lot of other things too but mostly writing. Weeks have gone by and the only post I've written lays unpublished-where it will likely remain. Daily life as well as enjoyable experiences have happened but I don't quite feel like writing about any of it. I'd rather write about my own introspection but I won't do that either. Instead I'll leave off here and dive into Mindy Kaling's Why Not Me? Because why not me?

Keep on..

I'm currently at home, doubled over with cramps, and with plenty of time to think. I tend to get myself stuck in ruts. I like routine. I like to know what is going to happen. (I will constantly harass you to tell me the ending of the movie as we watch it if you've seen it before-my husband knows this all too well). So because of my love of knowing what is to be expected, I get myself stuck. I know that I have gotten way too comfortable with this "summer vacation" thing. It is time to get a job. I kept making up excuses to myself but it is time to face the truth. I do best when I am given a challenge to excel at. Sitting at home and binging on television is hardly an appropriate challenge. I have discovered quite a few quality shows that had previously escaped me but it isn't going to pay the bills. The truth is, it's scary. Going back to school only made me a little bit nervous because I had been taking classes on and off before I signed up full time. Writing up a resume, a cover letter (which I have never done before), interviewing, and starting at a new place can feel pretty terrifying. For years, I worked at the same company. It was not my passion but I was good at it. I was dedicated. I thrived at coming up with solutions and proving my worth. I guess now it is time I put the dedication into something unfamiliar. It is exciting and slightly intimidating to try to begin anew.

Today I woke up slightly hopeful for a good day and then around 11 my cat threw up a hairball in bed. The worst is when you know it is coming and are powerless to stop it as for some reason cats enjoy making a mess primarily in highly inconvenient places. I did my best to throw a towel down but it was too late. I now sit on a bare mattress, after furiously scrubbing, waiting for the sheets that are currently in the wash. The aforementioned cat? She is happily wagging her little tail and I can't even be mad at her.

While I wait for the wash, I thought I'd look up some costume ideas for Halloween. I know it is over a month away but I'm excited to start celebrating my favorite time of the year. I love the fall and winter months. It includes lots of family, friends, traditions (old and new), decorations, warm meals, long hours in the kitchen and on the couch together. This Halloween lands on Saturday. I have thought up a few ideas, including some super heroes, but ultimately I keep coming back to those women in the late 1600s who were accused of being witches. I am glad to see that more women are empowering themselves and each other nowadays. I'd like to dress up as one of those women from the 17th century. Witch doesn't have to have a negative connotation to it. It can simply mean someone who is empowering themselves to lead their best life.

Wow, I didn't realize that the whole weekend went by without me writing another post. It was a blur of good food, scary movies, and wine.

It's Tuesday now. I've been up since 5. The weather continues to be unbearably hot for September but at least we got some rain today. It has been raining pretty steadily all morning. It made the fresh batch of hot coffee all the more appealing. A big pile of laundry sits, waiting to be folded. I sit, waiting for the coffee to kick in.

Quitter

Why is it so hard to stick to something? I am not even going to attempt to write up an extra post for yesterday. It's been a miserably hot week where all I want to do is lay in bed watching Netflix. I was actually pretty proud of myself for cooking dinner. I didn't just chop up veggies, I actually turned the oven on to bake some zucchini and corn and used the stove to make Mexican rice. On a day where it is 90+ degrees, that is a miraculous feat. I also made a vegan caesar salad with the dressing from scratch but that was easy since it offered up plenty of times to stick my head in the cool fridge.

It is now Friday and I am forcing myself to not quit on my writing/photography goal. Sometimes it feels like George just gets me.

Summer Rain

For a brief moment this early evening, we got a little thunder and some rain. It felt so good to open up all the windows and feel the air instantly start to cool off a few degrees. With the overcast sky, it looked like fall had come early but the temperature begged to differ.

Here we go again..

It's going to be another day of playing catch up. I meant to write a post last night but the crazy heat made it impossible to get anything done. Even dinner seemed unattainable. I almost said yes to take-out but couldn't justify it with a fridge full of groceries. Thankfully, I had the perfect amount of ingredients for vegan ceviche. No cooking necessary. A big bowl of cold ceviche and a cup of chilled chardonnay was the ideal dinner to have on a hot summer night.

Labor Day

Today felt like one of those true last days of summer days. I had a leisurely breakfast at home with my husband before meeting up with my best friends. It's always great to get some quality best friend time. We attempted to start our afternoon with a movie but the projector didn't work. In the end it was fine because we still managed to grab some Starbucks, visit the new baby, go to the mall, enjoy a delicious meal, stop off at Ikea and finish the night out with Pinkberry.

Now I am back home. I am wide awake while my husband quietly sleeps next to me and our cat wanders around the backyard. A lime popsicle and netflix await me so I'll say goodnight. 

Better late..

Day 3 and already I am late on last night's post. I had intended to write a little before I went to bed but I fell asleep halfway through a scary movie and so here I am early this morning.

It's Labor Day! I am not currently working but I like that my loved ones have the day off. I'll take all the extra time I can get with them. Long weekends are the best. There is the promise of fresh brewed coffee and someone to share it with. Later today I'll get to see my best friends and enjoy a day out with them. It's been a great couple of days. I don't want it to end.

This might be my shortest entry to date but I am eager to cook some breakfast and brew some coffee before the day gets too hot.

Brunch

Weekend mornings are my favorite. There is no alarm going off to wake us, no place we need to be, and there is usually the promise of brunch-yes, even on a Saturday.

This morning we awoke hungry and after opening the fridge we realized we were in desperate need of groceries. Buying groceries when hungry is never a good idea so we stopped off to grab a bite to eat.

A vegan meal and coffee was all I needed. I was not disappointed.

September

So...it's been a few months. Since I've last written on here, I got married, enjoyed a quick weekend honeymoon at vegan beerfest with my husband, finished a semester in school, enjoyed having the summer off, and accomplished a few home improvement projects.

For reasons I don't wish to get into, I will be taking a semester off before going back to school in the spring. That means that I am now left with 5 months of unscheduled time. I do plan on getting a job in the meantime.  What I have to come to the realization of, during my summer off, is that I do not do well with idleness. The days go by in a blur. I laughed one afternoon when I couldn't remember what day it was. I felt like Violet Crawley in Downton Abbey, as all my days felt like weekends.

Here I am now, determined to change that. I have heard other bloggers, you tubers, telecommuters, mention that it can be quite the struggle to work from home. Oftentimes they recommend getting dressed in the morning as if you are going in to the office because it can be a slippery slope staying in your pajamas all day. I now see their point. They recommend you set aside specific times of the day when you will be in work mode, when you will take breaks, go to lunch, and end your work day. They set a schedule and try to stick with it.

It might seem odd to start this schedule on a Friday but I fear that if I wait until Monday, the momentum will be gone. This morning I got up early. I heated up some breakfast and made some coffee. It felt like a good way to start the day.

I picked up a dry erase calendar, which I haven't been using, and have now marked it off to remind myself to write and photograph daily. It is where I will check off the task as I complete it.

I get down on myself for not being great. I get frustrated when I feel like my writing isn't up to par or when I can't get a photograph just the way I pictured it in my head. But I know I cannot possibly get better if I do not keep practicing.

For now, my goal will be to write daily. I will keep track of it here. I will also take at least one photograph with my camera, not my phone. The photos I probably won't post on here but this felt like the right space for my daily writing.

Entry #1: completed.
Now off I go to work on the photograph...

mercurial

I am fickle, like the sunlight.

Yesterday was full of sunshine and baking. It was a good time. The house was filled with warmth and the hours in the day seemed endless. I was restless to take on all tasks.

Today, there is light rain. The sun is clouded over. The air is chill. The bed and its comfort and warmth calls.

unemployed

How do people do it? I have been working ever since I was 17 or 18 and only temporarily didn't work for about a week, once, between jobs.

I've officially been unemployed for a week and am already going mad with all this free time. I am definitely a lot less productive when I have more time. I have always worked better under pressure.

My time has been filled with cleaning, laundry, cooking, baking, organizing, and lots of Netflix. I have attempted to pick up a book on a few occasions but haven't even managed to read more than a handful of pages and a comic or two. Even now, I sit here on my freshly made bed, forcing myself to write.

I had idealized all this free time. I thought I'd make a big dent in my to be read pile, I'd take a ton of photographs, I'd venture out to new places, and yet I have done none of these.

The one exception to the dullness would be my birthday weekend. I got to spend it up in Big Sur with my fiancé. My best friends were so kind. They surprised me with a stay at Deetjen's as it was my dream to spend the day up there in nature, on my 30th birthday.

After months of being unused, I dusted off my camera and took many photos, all the while, trying to to stay in the moment.

We drove up at midnight and made it there right at sunrise. We grabbed some coffee and tea at Big Sur Bakery, drove all the way up past Bixby Bridge, hiked down to the beach, drove back down, stopped for a hike at Pfeiffer State Park, had a late lunch at Nepenthe with the most beautiful view, and visited the Henry Miller library, before finally checking into Deetjen's.

The next day we visited Pfeiffer Beach and it was my favorite place of all. We sat on an old log while we sipped coffee and munched on banana bread and chex mix. We couldn't complain. We had the best view. There were few people there. The sand had mixtures of purple in it. The water was so clear, in all shades of blue. The waves were powerful. The sun gave off just enough heat. I could not have asked for a more perfect morning. We had only planned to stay for maybe 30 minutes but two hours went by and we hardly noticed. That was our last and most impressive stop before heading back home.

Now I am back to reality but hoping to keep some of that magic. I know that once I start school, in two weeks, I'll be much more enthusiastic. I don't doubt that stress will follow but it'll be the good kind. It will be the kind that pushes me to be greater.

(baking out of boredness)

(Pfeiffer Beach)

Phases

I feel good. Like really good. Like I am inner smiling good. I can't help it. I am glowing. I am radiating.

On January 5, 2015 I turned in my two weeks notice. I spent 10 years at a good company, made great friends, learned a lot, grew up, and was able to settle down and get myself in order. However, that phase is over. I felt it and knew it was time to move on. I will be forever grateful for that time.

On January 19, 2015 at 3:00pm PST, I start a new phase. It is the phase of the risk taker, the unknower , the dream chaser, the life grasper. It feels so right. It feels like I can breathe. It is scary but in the best way. I listened to what others thought was best for so long and now I am doing what I believe, what I know, to be truly what is best for myself. Liberating.

For once, I don't feel the need to write up some new year's resolutions. It might have to do with the fact that I am now finally ready to acknowledge what it is that I want. That was difficult enough to do. It was hard admitting what I want because that put it out there with the possibility of not achieving it. I don't care if I fail anymore. Failing means I went after it. Failing is better than not trying at all. Failing means I am living. I am awake.

I spent years with a void I couldn't fill. I complained, wondering how so many know what it is that they want at such a young age. I laugh now because deep down I always knew. The signs are plastered all over drawn out journals, books, online posts, pictures from all those years. I just wasn't ready to accept it. I am now. So now I smile. I am not naive. I know it won't be easy but who cares? The toughness will shape me, will teach me, will make me better. And all the while I will secretly be loving it because I'll do it with love. Love for the life I was meant for.