time

The last week was a whir. I hardly knew it happened. My days were gladly filled with family and friends. There was lots of catching up that occurred. Presents were given and received. There was champagne and board games and laughs. The nights were cold and the lights twinkled.

This week is all too real. The dreaded new year's eve is coming upon me. I am not ready. This year kind of sucked. There were a lot of great moments sprinkled in; they kept me going. But there was also a lot of tough moments.

I have heard that your twenties are the toughest years but I didn't realize that the last year of my twenties would be one of the hardest, life-facing years. My whole future, it seemed, was thrust upon me as a question that I must answer.

In my second week of vacation, I decided to do a little organizing. In doing so, I came upon some old writing of mine and was faced with very similar feelings from a younger me. In an assignment for a career planning class (haha-much that helped) I wrote this:
     "...maybe I want to be a writer/novelist, photographer, actor...anyone one of those sounds fun...but I don't think I have enough talent for those. I hate to see myself end up in a boring but professional job. I don't want to be stuck in a cube the rest of my life. I want to...visit many places. I want the unreachable, untouchable what people only dream about. I want to have what I'm afraid I'll never have. I wonder if everyone else has felt this way at some point or...if I'm only one of the few that have felt what I feel now... [I am] too wrapped up in nothing. [I] work, come home, go out with friends, come home, sleep, and the cycle continues...What happened to all that was once important? Now nothing seems important anymore...What am I going to do about it? Nothing, probably. Why? Because I am scared...I'm scared of what I have become."

I cannot allow myself lose the dream. I have traveled and will continue to do so. I will write, regardless of whether it turns into a career or not. I will not allow myself to get stuck in an endless cycle of mindlessness. I will be scared but I will not let it deter me.

Christmas Eve

It feels good to sleep in a little. There is so much I need to do before we go visit the families but I just want to lay here a bit longer, reading Emitown with Netflix in the background.

I am excited to wrap gifts and bake some pies though. (I hope the apple pies come out as good as they did at Thanksgiving). I just get nervous being with all the families. I am awkward. Yet, I get better with time, I think.

On a different topic, would it be totally nuts to think about moving to Portland? Soo many things lately make it seem like it would be a fun, positive thing. Ideally, I'd love to live in different places for a few months at a time. Spain would be a great location. But I wouldn't want to uproot my cat's very pleasant life at home with us. She loves this house and the sunny backyard and is terrible with car rides (I would be too if I knew the car meant going to the vet), so airplane rides are out of the question.

This has definitely been a different Christmas Eve so far. Looking forward to leftovers for lunch.

Last night's festivus's dinner:

Happy Festivus!

I think this might be the 4th year we celebrate. Our usual is Chinese takeout and beer, a stout. I am excited for tonight!

It's been such a good day so far too. Second day in a row that I cook breakfast and make the coffee. (I never make the coffee). And now I get to enjoy the solitude of a quiet home. It appears that everyone is either at work, out shopping, or still asleep. It is just me and the cat, where ever she is. 

A cup of coffee (my third) and Emitown on the couch. I've already forgotten what day of the week it is. Feels like summer vacation.

open road

Two weeks of vacation is too luxurious to spend at home. I am not accustomed to this much free time. I, however, have promised myself that I would make good use of this vacation. It'd be great to start the new year ahead of my goals. 2015 scares me in a good way. I am going to take on everything I have always wanted, that fear has stopped me from doing. It is easy to continue on as I have been but I want so much more. The risk is high for all that I dream of.

Quiet

I've been feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions in the last two days. I can't say that it is for any particular reason. There are many reasons. Good and bad.

All I wanted today was to come home to an empty house. It is one of those days where I would like to be alone to recharge. I wanted to feel the quiet.

I would like to pull up to the drive way knowing that no one is there. How nice it would be to put a record on. Loud. Keeping the lights dim, grabbing a steaming cup of tea or whiskey on the rocks. Pulling myself up in the comfort of my softest blanket. And breathing, embracing the sound of the scratched vinyl playing my favorite songs. If tears flow, letting them flow, feeling the cathartic release and filling back up with the peacefulness within.

Seasons

It used to be that summer was my favorite time of the year. I am habitually cold and had to walk to school, so I welcomed the heat. It also helped that summer meant lots of free time as a kid. It was a time to check out an allotted number of books and spend day and night reading. Summers were stress free.

As I've gotten older, that changed. There is no summer off as an adult and the heat seems less bearable. My favorite time of the year is now, all the way to January. With the holidays, comes time off. The nights are filled with tea and hot chocolate, warm blankets, and cozy lighting.

Traditions are now something to look forward to. Danny and I created our own. We watch scary movies and give out Mexican candy on Halloween. We spend all day cooking on Thanksgiving. We have our 12 dates of Christmas. We watch movies and cook a hearty meal on Christmas eve. With the new year comes a fresh start and my birthday.

It has been a rough year and I am idealistically thinking of the future.

Moving Forward

I am standing at a cross road.

I make all these grand statements of what I want, of future plans. I am nothing more than a dreamer. Unhappy in a current situation, it helps to conjure up ideas of what the future might be. Will I move forward towards what I want or will I overthink things and tread predictably careful?

Playing Catch Up..

It has been roughly two months since I last posted here. A lot has happened since then. I saw my family more in the past two months than I probably have in the last 7-ish years and am forever thankful to have them in my life. I started summer school and have two weeks left to go. I went to Yosemite on the 4th of July weekend. And I got engaged.

School has kept me busiest of all and I love it. On Mondays and Wednesdays I am up at 4am and don't get to bed until 11pm, yet I somehow come home more energized than when I left. I started off a little rough in my writing, as I haven't given grammar or the MLA style much thought in the past 10 years. Slowly, my writing has improved. I still have a long way to go but I can already see the difference in my essays. I am lucky to have a very enthusiastic teacher. He is very encouraging with all of us and constantly keeps the conversation flowing, keeping us absorbed in English class.

About a week ago, he asked me what my major was and we talked for a bit. He asked if I happen to be an English major and I answered undecidedly. I do love English but I have been so lost in the past few years, in regards to a future career. Photography awakened my ambition. Before that photography class last semester, I was okay with idly letting time slip by as I did nothing to further my education or career. It helped propel me forward. It allowed me to dream of a much more fulfilled future and now I see myself struggling to decide which way to go. Can I do both? Do I pick English and keep photography as a hobby? I did always secretly dream of writing a novel but it never felt tangible, so I just tucked my dream away. Whatever I may choose, I will continue to nurture both.

Absence

Not just my own here. My grandfather recently passed away. Time stopped that day.

In the past 10 years or so I have sought out aloneness. I thought it was for the best. I thought it was what I wanted. I thought I thrived in it.

I am an introvert and need alone time to recharge but it went farther than that. I never wanted to disappoint anyone. My biggest fear is failure. I don't try so as not to fail. And in the same respect, I don't get close to many people so that I won't disappoint them.

How naive I was. Not trying guarantees failure and not being there guarantees disappointing loved ones.

While I started to pursue a future career by going back to school, I still remained mostly alone by choice. I didn't so much decline invitations, rather, I retreated back into my shell. I hid. I hibernated.

If it hadn't been for my godfather, I might not have seen my grandfather before his passing. The last time I saw my grandfather was at my godfather's funeral.

It was in church. As I walked in, I spotted him and chose a nearby seat. He didn't see me until we got the part in mass where we give peace and shake hands. It was my chance to turn to him and say hello. I turned, smiled, shook his hand, and all I could manage between "peace be with you" was hello and some mumbled words. He smiled so warmly at me. In that smile I felt so much love and a million memories flooded back. I felt a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes. It was only a few seconds but as I replay back that moment it feels so much longer. Time stops once more.

I wanted to cry. Cry for lost time. Cry for love. Cry for thankfulness. Cry for life.

On the day my grandfather died, he brought me back to my family. I will have to live on with my mistakes as my life comes back full circle.

Continued...

This is a continuation of my former, failed attempt, to blog. My previous blog was "thru heart shaped glasses." I guess the reason why I rarely wrote was because it never really fit. It didn't feel like the space I needed.

I started it at a time when I needed motivation and wanted to see things positively but truthfully wasn't in a very happy place. It showed, as most of my few posts (especially the later ones) were trying to be hopeful but had a sadness within them.

Life isn't all good times. I was trying to see things through a fake rose-tinted filter and that was inauthentic. I am not very good at hiding my emotions.

This feels more real to me. Heart Shaped Existence means all the emotions. The angry and hurt and sad right beside the happy and hopeful and loved. I want it all. Life wouldn't be the same with only the good and I wouldn't appreciate it as much.

I am constantly in my head. I can't even answer a simple text message without overthinking how to respond and when to end the conversation. It comes with being an introvert. I fear that I will be thought of as rude when really I am shy and anxious and cherish alone time. I love people and do look to have those in depth conversations but the social aspect of it doesn't come as natural to me.

I actually had a really great conversation with an old friend of mine last week. It felt good to share my feelings and hear her thoughts. And as I get older I also realize that these are the friendships that I'd like to nurture and grow.

Again, it comes back to being real. My 20s have felt every emotion possible. They have been hard. Constant growing and learning. With it, as I almost exit my 20s, all I want now is a true-to-myself life. I want a job I am passionate about, friendships that go deeper, adventure, and more beautiful moments than I can hope to remember. I want to read books that touch something within me. I want to read poetry that is sweetly romantic. I want to listen to songs that move me, under a star filled sky. I want to travel to places that open up my eyes. I want to see art that makes me cry; like that church in Paris. All I could do was sit in the private silence and cry out of pure thankfulness. I want more moments like that.

I want to feel it all.