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Days go by with nothingness. 

The cycle of extraneous idle time mixed with the over abundance of social media has left me in a catatonic state.

And so I read. Today it's Bukowski.

"it's just a slow day moving into a slow night.

it doesn't matter what you do

everything just stays the same.

the cats sleep it off, the dogs don't bark,

it's just a slow day moving into a slow night."

"endless hot summer nights.

the blades of the fan tap and rattle

against the wire cage.

the air doesn't move."

"I've memorized tonight and now and the way the

light falls across my fingers,

specks and smears on the wall,

shades down behind orange curtains;

I light a rolled cigarette and then laugh a little,

yes, I've memorized it all."

mom

It's not that there are no words, it's that there are too many.

I miss you constantly. I love you always.

I don't know if I'm the cause of my environment or my environment is the cause of me. My surrounding rooms are as chaotic and overwhelming as I feel. And I am in constant search of a creative outlet.

It's late. Everyone sleeps but me. I'm book shopping even with shelves upon shelves of unread books. I need help.

February was a tough month. It forced me to face a lot of emotions, fears, regrets. Although there were nights where I drowned them out with alcohol and television. Anything to avoid my own thoughts.

I had no desire to write or bake. I mostly stayed off snapchat and instagram. I didn't keep up with my friends as I usually do. I essentially kept to myself. Being with family is what energized me. It forced me to get out of the house and once I was out, I was fine. Seeing the kids run around and finding joy in everything gave me a new perspective.

This month I am trying to get back to what was normal but I still feel off kilter. All I really want to do is to take a trip. Somewhere that requires a long drive and being out in nature. I feel the impulsive need to do it.

Novenario

Today was the last night of the novenario and all I could think was I'm going to miss seeing my family every night.

Family

At a time of loss, it is family holding us together.

I'm sure that for many of us it was one of the hardest moments of our lives yesterday afternoon. But in that room of sorrow was also so much love. It helps to know that she wasn't alone. She was surrounded by love.

I'm so grateful for the childhood I was given. For all the wonderful memories. For the unconditional love.

I have regrets. I have lessons learned.

The kindness from my aunts and uncles and cousins has meant so much; all of their kind words and gestures. I have loved listening to their stories. I have loved getting to know them better. And I am very much looking forward to spending more time with them.



Grandma. Loving. Strong. Matriarch. Thank you for everything.

And just like that, Mercury is no longer in retrograde. Suddenly I'm full of energy and happily running errands on my day off. I'm paying bills without the usual fear of the low balance in my checking account. And there were even good brussel sprouts in the produce bin at the grocery  store this time.

I'm actually feeling open to creative projects and am meeting my cousin later to discuss some writing possibilities over vegan dinner. 

I am not even going to ruin today by obsessing over having to work the entire upcoming weekend. 

I've restocked the flour and sugar and might just bake myself a chocolate cake. 

I've been in a creative slump lately. I'm still trying to get used to working random hours on random days. And it has left me with little time for fun. I've struggled to do much of anything but watch Gilmore Girls and bake. And I am running low on flour and sugar. 

31

31 and mercury is in retrograde. It has felt just like that kind of week. My emotions are everywhere so I am spending my day off in bed re-watching Gilmore Girls for the hundredth time. I have a ton to do this week and will be working all of the upcoming weekend thus I am avoiding all of it. I am a great avoider/procrastinator.

I did, however, have a great birthday. I spent it just like I wanted, in Joshua Tree. I wasn't sure what to expect but it was better than what I had pictured. None of us had been before so we stopped at the visitor center, grabbed a map, and headed out to Keys View first. That's where the bottom picture was taken. From there we drove in the direction of Jumbo Rocks/Skull Rock. I would say "we" climbed rocks but honestly I am such a klutz that I avoided most climbing except for when we found a spot to take a snack/drink break. At the end of the night we pulled over at Indian Cove to look at the stars but were freezing so we didn't stay for long.  I can't wait to go back and hopefully camp overnight next time.

It's days like that that I am constantly wanderlusting about.

It's almost my birthday eve. Last year had the expectation of being "big"/"important" as I was turning 30. But this year I have the pleasure of turning 31. I am very much looking forward to it. I love being in my 30s. It feels good. I feel good. I have never felt more like myself. (Well except for when I was 17-but I am getting back to that).

This year, on my 31st birthday, I plan to drive to Joshua Tree. I've never been but have heard great things. Last year I drove to Big Sur and it was such a great experience that I want to keep it going. It is my wish to try something new each year. I still desperately want to go to the grand canyon but for now Joshua Tree will do. I love being somewhere I have never been before. I love being surprised. I love having a new perspective.

I have to work most of Sunday so I'll enjoy tomorrow, explore Saturday, and get back to reality Sunday.

Dreams have been a big discussion these last few days so I thought I better start now. I've always wished I could have artistic qualities as both my brothers are extremely talented. It must have skipped me, the middle child. I do enjoy writing so I'll focus on that, here.

While there is hopefulness in this post, there is also sadness on my mind. My grandma hasn't been doing so well. Almost two years ago I wrote about my grandpa's passing. And my grandma is a tough, stubborn woman. I love that about her but it also sucks when she is being stubborn about her meds and food/fluids. So I am here praying and hoping she gets better. And I can only imagine how tough it must be for her.

Yes, 31 will be a growing year, as all the years are. Love, adventure, and the unknown, it's all in there. No matter what, I will never stop being vulnerable. I will never stop loving. I will never stop being myself.

On a separate note, it is completely hard not to cringe reading back some of my older posts. I am my own worst critic and really want to hit delete or at the very least edit some of those older posts but I wont. They're bad and they'll stay that way. It's the ones where I am most honest that I feel good about. Like this entry I wrote about the struggle I had been going through. I'll let that be a lesson to myself. Being real is where my better writing lies.

And now it's 2016

December turned out to be filled with a whole bunch of new experiences.

I started working at a place which is the complete opposite of what I've been used to. And honestly, that's been great for me. It's what I needed. This past month, I also saw the new Star Wars movie, visited the Seinfeld apartment pop-up, finally got to try Burgerlords in Chinatown (which I've never been to either), was in book heaven at The Last Bookstore, and thoroughly enjoyed The Broad with my husband and my family. I definitely want to do that again.

And then, I ended 2015 doing something I never thought I'd get to do, watching Morrissey perform. He was as amazing as I thought he would be.

Thinking back, I'm realizing that 2015 was the year where I let go of familiarity. A lot of it was hard but I learned a lot. (Even how to take apart a washing machine). And now I'm looking forward new adventures and challenges all year long.