time

The last week was a whir. I hardly knew it happened. My days were gladly filled with family and friends. There was lots of catching up that occurred. Presents were given and received. There was champagne and board games and laughs. The nights were cold and the lights twinkled.

This week is all too real. The dreaded new year's eve is coming upon me. I am not ready. This year kind of sucked. There were a lot of great moments sprinkled in; they kept me going. But there was also a lot of tough moments.

I have heard that your twenties are the toughest years but I didn't realize that the last year of my twenties would be one of the hardest, life-facing years. My whole future, it seemed, was thrust upon me as a question that I must answer.

In my second week of vacation, I decided to do a little organizing. In doing so, I came upon some old writing of mine and was faced with very similar feelings from a younger me. In an assignment for a career planning class (haha-much that helped) I wrote this:
     "...maybe I want to be a writer/novelist, photographer, actor...anyone one of those sounds fun...but I don't think I have enough talent for those. I hate to see myself end up in a boring but professional job. I don't want to be stuck in a cube the rest of my life. I want to...visit many places. I want the unreachable, untouchable what people only dream about. I want to have what I'm afraid I'll never have. I wonder if everyone else has felt this way at some point or...if I'm only one of the few that have felt what I feel now... [I am] too wrapped up in nothing. [I] work, come home, go out with friends, come home, sleep, and the cycle continues...What happened to all that was once important? Now nothing seems important anymore...What am I going to do about it? Nothing, probably. Why? Because I am scared...I'm scared of what I have become."

I cannot allow myself lose the dream. I have traveled and will continue to do so. I will write, regardless of whether it turns into a career or not. I will not allow myself to get stuck in an endless cycle of mindlessness. I will be scared but I will not let it deter me.

Christmas Eve

It feels good to sleep in a little. There is so much I need to do before we go visit the families but I just want to lay here a bit longer, reading Emitown with Netflix in the background.

I am excited to wrap gifts and bake some pies though. (I hope the apple pies come out as good as they did at Thanksgiving). I just get nervous being with all the families. I am awkward. Yet, I get better with time, I think.

On a different topic, would it be totally nuts to think about moving to Portland? Soo many things lately make it seem like it would be a fun, positive thing. Ideally, I'd love to live in different places for a few months at a time. Spain would be a great location. But I wouldn't want to uproot my cat's very pleasant life at home with us. She loves this house and the sunny backyard and is terrible with car rides (I would be too if I knew the car meant going to the vet), so airplane rides are out of the question.

This has definitely been a different Christmas Eve so far. Looking forward to leftovers for lunch.

Last night's festivus's dinner:

Happy Festivus!

I think this might be the 4th year we celebrate. Our usual is Chinese takeout and beer, a stout. I am excited for tonight!

It's been such a good day so far too. Second day in a row that I cook breakfast and make the coffee. (I never make the coffee). And now I get to enjoy the solitude of a quiet home. It appears that everyone is either at work, out shopping, or still asleep. It is just me and the cat, where ever she is. 

A cup of coffee (my third) and Emitown on the couch. I've already forgotten what day of the week it is. Feels like summer vacation.

open road

Two weeks of vacation is too luxurious to spend at home. I am not accustomed to this much free time. I, however, have promised myself that I would make good use of this vacation. It'd be great to start the new year ahead of my goals. 2015 scares me in a good way. I am going to take on everything I have always wanted, that fear has stopped me from doing. It is easy to continue on as I have been but I want so much more. The risk is high for all that I dream of.

Quiet

I've been feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions in the last two days. I can't say that it is for any particular reason. There are many reasons. Good and bad.

All I wanted today was to come home to an empty house. It is one of those days where I would like to be alone to recharge. I wanted to feel the quiet.

I would like to pull up to the drive way knowing that no one is there. How nice it would be to put a record on. Loud. Keeping the lights dim, grabbing a steaming cup of tea or whiskey on the rocks. Pulling myself up in the comfort of my softest blanket. And breathing, embracing the sound of the scratched vinyl playing my favorite songs. If tears flow, letting them flow, feeling the cathartic release and filling back up with the peacefulness within.