mercurial

I am fickle, like the sunlight.

Yesterday was full of sunshine and baking. It was a good time. The house was filled with warmth and the hours in the day seemed endless. I was restless to take on all tasks.

Today, there is light rain. The sun is clouded over. The air is chill. The bed and its comfort and warmth calls.

unemployed

How do people do it? I have been working ever since I was 17 or 18 and only temporarily didn't work for about a week, once, between jobs.

I've officially been unemployed for a week and am already going mad with all this free time. I am definitely a lot less productive when I have more time. I have always worked better under pressure.

My time has been filled with cleaning, laundry, cooking, baking, organizing, and lots of Netflix. I have attempted to pick up a book on a few occasions but haven't even managed to read more than a handful of pages and a comic or two. Even now, I sit here on my freshly made bed, forcing myself to write.

I had idealized all this free time. I thought I'd make a big dent in my to be read pile, I'd take a ton of photographs, I'd venture out to new places, and yet I have done none of these.

The one exception to the dullness would be my birthday weekend. I got to spend it up in Big Sur with my fiancé. My best friends were so kind. They surprised me with a stay at Deetjen's as it was my dream to spend the day up there in nature, on my 30th birthday.

After months of being unused, I dusted off my camera and took many photos, all the while, trying to to stay in the moment.

We drove up at midnight and made it there right at sunrise. We grabbed some coffee and tea at Big Sur Bakery, drove all the way up past Bixby Bridge, hiked down to the beach, drove back down, stopped for a hike at Pfeiffer State Park, had a late lunch at Nepenthe with the most beautiful view, and visited the Henry Miller library, before finally checking into Deetjen's.

The next day we visited Pfeiffer Beach and it was my favorite place of all. We sat on an old log while we sipped coffee and munched on banana bread and chex mix. We couldn't complain. We had the best view. There were few people there. The sand had mixtures of purple in it. The water was so clear, in all shades of blue. The waves were powerful. The sun gave off just enough heat. I could not have asked for a more perfect morning. We had only planned to stay for maybe 30 minutes but two hours went by and we hardly noticed. That was our last and most impressive stop before heading back home.

Now I am back to reality but hoping to keep some of that magic. I know that once I start school, in two weeks, I'll be much more enthusiastic. I don't doubt that stress will follow but it'll be the good kind. It will be the kind that pushes me to be greater.

(baking out of boredness)

(Pfeiffer Beach)

Phases

I feel good. Like really good. Like I am inner smiling good. I can't help it. I am glowing. I am radiating.

On January 5, 2015 I turned in my two weeks notice. I spent 10 years at a good company, made great friends, learned a lot, grew up, and was able to settle down and get myself in order. However, that phase is over. I felt it and knew it was time to move on. I will be forever grateful for that time.

On January 19, 2015 at 3:00pm PST, I start a new phase. It is the phase of the risk taker, the unknower , the dream chaser, the life grasper. It feels so right. It feels like I can breathe. It is scary but in the best way. I listened to what others thought was best for so long and now I am doing what I believe, what I know, to be truly what is best for myself. Liberating.

For once, I don't feel the need to write up some new year's resolutions. It might have to do with the fact that I am now finally ready to acknowledge what it is that I want. That was difficult enough to do. It was hard admitting what I want because that put it out there with the possibility of not achieving it. I don't care if I fail anymore. Failing means I went after it. Failing is better than not trying at all. Failing means I am living. I am awake.

I spent years with a void I couldn't fill. I complained, wondering how so many know what it is that they want at such a young age. I laugh now because deep down I always knew. The signs are plastered all over drawn out journals, books, online posts, pictures from all those years. I just wasn't ready to accept it. I am now. So now I smile. I am not naive. I know it won't be easy but who cares? The toughness will shape me, will teach me, will make me better. And all the while I will secretly be loving it because I'll do it with love. Love for the life I was meant for.