This is a continuation of my former, failed attempt, to blog. My previous blog was "thru heart shaped glasses." I guess the reason why I rarely wrote was because it never really fit. It didn't feel like the space I needed.
I started it at a time when I needed motivation and wanted to see things positively but truthfully wasn't in a very happy place. It showed, as most of my few posts (especially the later ones) were trying to be hopeful but had a sadness within them.
Life isn't all good times. I was trying to see things through a fake rose-tinted filter and that was inauthentic. I am not very good at hiding my emotions.
This feels more real to me. Heart Shaped Existence means all the emotions. The angry and hurt and sad right beside the happy and hopeful and loved. I want it all. Life wouldn't be the same with only the good and I wouldn't appreciate it as much.
I am constantly in my head. I can't even answer a simple text message without overthinking how to respond and when to end the conversation. It comes with being an introvert. I fear that I will be thought of as rude when really I am shy and anxious and cherish alone time. I love people and do look to have those in depth conversations but the social aspect of it doesn't come as natural to me.
I actually had a really great conversation with an old friend of mine last week. It felt good to share my feelings and hear her thoughts. And as I get older I also realize that these are the friendships that I'd like to nurture and grow.
Again, it comes back to being real. My 20s have felt every emotion possible. They have been hard. Constant growing and learning. With it, as I almost exit my 20s, all I want now is a true-to-myself life. I want a job I am passionate about, friendships that go deeper, adventure, and more beautiful moments than I can hope to remember. I want to read books that touch something within me. I want to read poetry that is sweetly romantic. I want to listen to songs that move me, under a star filled sky. I want to travel to places that open up my eyes. I want to see art that makes me cry; like that church in Paris. All I could do was sit in the private silence and cry out of pure thankfulness. I want more moments like that.
I want to feel it all.