The last week was a whir. I hardly knew it happened. My days were gladly filled with family and friends. There was lots of catching up that occurred. Presents were given and received. There was champagne and board games and laughs. The nights were cold and the lights twinkled.
This week is all too real. The dreaded new year's eve is coming upon me. I am not ready. This year kind of sucked. There were a lot of great moments sprinkled in; they kept me going. But there was also a lot of tough moments.
I have heard that your twenties are the toughest years but I didn't realize that the last year of my twenties would be one of the hardest, life-facing years. My whole future, it seemed, was thrust upon me as a question that I must answer.
In my second week of vacation, I decided to do a little organizing. In doing so, I came upon some old writing of mine and was faced with very similar feelings from a younger me. In an assignment for a career planning class (haha-much that helped) I wrote this:
"...maybe I want to be a writer/novelist, photographer, actor...anyone one of those sounds fun...but I don't think I have enough talent for those. I hate to see myself end up in a boring but professional job. I don't want to be stuck in a cube the rest of my life. I want to...visit many places. I want the unreachable, untouchable what people only dream about. I want to have what I'm afraid I'll never have. I wonder if everyone else has felt this way at some point or...if I'm only one of the few that have felt what I feel now... [I am] too wrapped up in nothing. [I] work, come home, go out with friends, come home, sleep, and the cycle continues...What happened to all that was once important? Now nothing seems important anymore...What am I going to do about it? Nothing, probably. Why? Because I am scared...I'm scared of what I have become."
I cannot allow myself lose the dream. I have traveled and will continue to do so. I will write, regardless of whether it turns into a career or not. I will not allow myself to get stuck in an endless cycle of mindlessness. I will be scared but I will not let it deter me.