Seasons

It used to be that summer was my favorite time of the year. I am habitually cold and had to walk to school, so I welcomed the heat. It also helped that summer meant lots of free time as a kid. It was a time to check out an allotted number of books and spend day and night reading. Summers were stress free.

As I've gotten older, that changed. There is no summer off as an adult and the heat seems less bearable. My favorite time of the year is now, all the way to January. With the holidays, comes time off. The nights are filled with tea and hot chocolate, warm blankets, and cozy lighting.

Traditions are now something to look forward to. Danny and I created our own. We watch scary movies and give out Mexican candy on Halloween. We spend all day cooking on Thanksgiving. We have our 12 dates of Christmas. We watch movies and cook a hearty meal on Christmas eve. With the new year comes a fresh start and my birthday.

It has been a rough year and I am idealistically thinking of the future.

Moving Forward

I am standing at a cross road.

I make all these grand statements of what I want, of future plans. I am nothing more than a dreamer. Unhappy in a current situation, it helps to conjure up ideas of what the future might be. Will I move forward towards what I want or will I overthink things and tread predictably careful?

Playing Catch Up..

It has been roughly two months since I last posted here. A lot has happened since then. I saw my family more in the past two months than I probably have in the last 7-ish years and am forever thankful to have them in my life. I started summer school and have two weeks left to go. I went to Yosemite on the 4th of July weekend. And I got engaged.

School has kept me busiest of all and I love it. On Mondays and Wednesdays I am up at 4am and don't get to bed until 11pm, yet I somehow come home more energized than when I left. I started off a little rough in my writing, as I haven't given grammar or the MLA style much thought in the past 10 years. Slowly, my writing has improved. I still have a long way to go but I can already see the difference in my essays. I am lucky to have a very enthusiastic teacher. He is very encouraging with all of us and constantly keeps the conversation flowing, keeping us absorbed in English class.

About a week ago, he asked me what my major was and we talked for a bit. He asked if I happen to be an English major and I answered undecidedly. I do love English but I have been so lost in the past few years, in regards to a future career. Photography awakened my ambition. Before that photography class last semester, I was okay with idly letting time slip by as I did nothing to further my education or career. It helped propel me forward. It allowed me to dream of a much more fulfilled future and now I see myself struggling to decide which way to go. Can I do both? Do I pick English and keep photography as a hobby? I did always secretly dream of writing a novel but it never felt tangible, so I just tucked my dream away. Whatever I may choose, I will continue to nurture both.

Absence

Not just my own here. My grandfather recently passed away. Time stopped that day.

In the past 10 years or so I have sought out aloneness. I thought it was for the best. I thought it was what I wanted. I thought I thrived in it.

I am an introvert and need alone time to recharge but it went farther than that. I never wanted to disappoint anyone. My biggest fear is failure. I don't try so as not to fail. And in the same respect, I don't get close to many people so that I won't disappoint them.

How naive I was. Not trying guarantees failure and not being there guarantees disappointing loved ones.

While I started to pursue a future career by going back to school, I still remained mostly alone by choice. I didn't so much decline invitations, rather, I retreated back into my shell. I hid. I hibernated.

If it hadn't been for my godfather, I might not have seen my grandfather before his passing. The last time I saw my grandfather was at my godfather's funeral.

It was in church. As I walked in, I spotted him and chose a nearby seat. He didn't see me until we got the part in mass where we give peace and shake hands. It was my chance to turn to him and say hello. I turned, smiled, shook his hand, and all I could manage between "peace be with you" was hello and some mumbled words. He smiled so warmly at me. In that smile I felt so much love and a million memories flooded back. I felt a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes. It was only a few seconds but as I replay back that moment it feels so much longer. Time stops once more.

I wanted to cry. Cry for lost time. Cry for love. Cry for thankfulness. Cry for life.

On the day my grandfather died, he brought me back to my family. I will have to live on with my mistakes as my life comes back full circle.

Continued...

This is a continuation of my former, failed attempt, to blog. My previous blog was "thru heart shaped glasses." I guess the reason why I rarely wrote was because it never really fit. It didn't feel like the space I needed.

I started it at a time when I needed motivation and wanted to see things positively but truthfully wasn't in a very happy place. It showed, as most of my few posts (especially the later ones) were trying to be hopeful but had a sadness within them.

Life isn't all good times. I was trying to see things through a fake rose-tinted filter and that was inauthentic. I am not very good at hiding my emotions.

This feels more real to me. Heart Shaped Existence means all the emotions. The angry and hurt and sad right beside the happy and hopeful and loved. I want it all. Life wouldn't be the same with only the good and I wouldn't appreciate it as much.

I am constantly in my head. I can't even answer a simple text message without overthinking how to respond and when to end the conversation. It comes with being an introvert. I fear that I will be thought of as rude when really I am shy and anxious and cherish alone time. I love people and do look to have those in depth conversations but the social aspect of it doesn't come as natural to me.

I actually had a really great conversation with an old friend of mine last week. It felt good to share my feelings and hear her thoughts. And as I get older I also realize that these are the friendships that I'd like to nurture and grow.

Again, it comes back to being real. My 20s have felt every emotion possible. They have been hard. Constant growing and learning. With it, as I almost exit my 20s, all I want now is a true-to-myself life. I want a job I am passionate about, friendships that go deeper, adventure, and more beautiful moments than I can hope to remember. I want to read books that touch something within me. I want to read poetry that is sweetly romantic. I want to listen to songs that move me, under a star filled sky. I want to travel to places that open up my eyes. I want to see art that makes me cry; like that church in Paris. All I could do was sit in the private silence and cry out of pure thankfulness. I want more moments like that.

I want to feel it all.