I'm full of good intentions with none of the follow through or commitment.

Me

I have not felt like myself.

The year definitely did start off in the most perfect way. In nature, with little cell/internet service, just me and my boo. I think I will always remember my 30th through rose colored glasses because it was just that good and I felt that good too. That was a place where I felt like myself. Authentically.

But these past few months have been a struggle. Like a daily struggle. A struggle to get out of bed. A struggle to clean. A struggle to leave the house. A struggle to do anything requiring anything of me.

Sure I managed, a few times, to go out and be with friends or family, to partake and enjoy social events but it was a struggle to get there.

This is a defining time for me. Who am I? Who do I want to become? Or better yet, how do I wish to evolve? I did think about these things but I also mostly blanked out to the television.

Yesterday I finally managed to pull myself out of bed and I was surprised to find that for the first time in months I felt pretty great about it. My husband and I ran errands, cooked dinner, cleaned the house, and still had time to relax on the couch before bedtime. It was one of those days that you wish wouldn't end.

Being in this transition period of not knowing what is next left me kind of vulnerable. There were periods where I'd lose myself, where I'd feel less than-trying to be someone I am not. I always feel best when I am true to myself. In the current world we live in, it gets harder and harder to keep the outside influences outside. Being constantly bombarded with images, I have to take a step back and ask myself if I truly like/want something or is it just because everyone else does? And even more importantly, am I doing this and that for myself or for others?

I recently came across this quote from Angelina Jolie and it perfectly sums it all up. She said, "If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I'm not frightened by anyone's perception of me."

Because the truth is, I am more confident and care less of how I am perceived when I am most myself. It's when I am trying to live up to other people's expectations that I end up feeling like less than. And I am sick of reminding myself to just be me so let's hope it stick this time. I'd like more good days. More days of focusing in on what I do enjoy, on what I would like to accomplish, on speaking my truth.

I recently finished Mindy's book and loved it even more than her first book. She writes honestly and with a sense of humor. I admire that about her.

One of the things she discussed was confidence. She didn't give the usual advice you hear everywhere. It wasn't superficial. She said, "confidence is like respect, you have to earn it." How great it that? It's refreshing to hear because it is not often that we hear of hard work. She worked hard. She put in the long hours. She worked on her craft. She earned that confidence.

And of course I've heard it before.
Picasso: Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.
Henri Cartier Bresson: Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst.

But I never thought much of it in regards to confidence.

When I was younger I was a lot more confident and that is probably because I didn't base my confidence on my looks (my appearance was the last thing on my mind) or material processions and also because I put effort and work into most things I did. I was least confident when I wasn't prepared.

My 20s were definitely the roller coaster of confidence. My appearance somehow shot up to the top of what I based it on. And when it wasn't based on my looks it was based on wanting/acquiring material things. I can't go back in time to change that but I can opt to become who I'd like to be. I don't want to be known for my looks. I want to be known for my work, my contribution, my brain. It's much too easy to slip away from that when there are images all around me telling me quite the opposite. I just have to remember that feeling, the feeling of peace, when I am true to myself. Maybe I won't fit in as well as I have in the past but that's the risk. Do I want to blend in or do I want to be authentic and stand out? My introverted/people-pleaser self wants nothing more than to quietly blend in but then it'd be a waste of potential.

Like a Monday..

Here I am, avoiding writing, as per usual. If I were honest I'm avoiding a lot of other things too but mostly writing. Weeks have gone by and the only post I've written lays unpublished-where it will likely remain. Daily life as well as enjoyable experiences have happened but I don't quite feel like writing about any of it. I'd rather write about my own introspection but I won't do that either. Instead I'll leave off here and dive into Mindy Kaling's Why Not Me? Because why not me?

Keep on..

I'm currently at home, doubled over with cramps, and with plenty of time to think. I tend to get myself stuck in ruts. I like routine. I like to know what is going to happen. (I will constantly harass you to tell me the ending of the movie as we watch it if you've seen it before-my husband knows this all too well). So because of my love of knowing what is to be expected, I get myself stuck. I know that I have gotten way too comfortable with this "summer vacation" thing. It is time to get a job. I kept making up excuses to myself but it is time to face the truth. I do best when I am given a challenge to excel at. Sitting at home and binging on television is hardly an appropriate challenge. I have discovered quite a few quality shows that had previously escaped me but it isn't going to pay the bills. The truth is, it's scary. Going back to school only made me a little bit nervous because I had been taking classes on and off before I signed up full time. Writing up a resume, a cover letter (which I have never done before), interviewing, and starting at a new place can feel pretty terrifying. For years, I worked at the same company. It was not my passion but I was good at it. I was dedicated. I thrived at coming up with solutions and proving my worth. I guess now it is time I put the dedication into something unfamiliar. It is exciting and slightly intimidating to try to begin anew.

Today I woke up slightly hopeful for a good day and then around 11 my cat threw up a hairball in bed. The worst is when you know it is coming and are powerless to stop it as for some reason cats enjoy making a mess primarily in highly inconvenient places. I did my best to throw a towel down but it was too late. I now sit on a bare mattress, after furiously scrubbing, waiting for the sheets that are currently in the wash. The aforementioned cat? She is happily wagging her little tail and I can't even be mad at her.

While I wait for the wash, I thought I'd look up some costume ideas for Halloween. I know it is over a month away but I'm excited to start celebrating my favorite time of the year. I love the fall and winter months. It includes lots of family, friends, traditions (old and new), decorations, warm meals, long hours in the kitchen and on the couch together. This Halloween lands on Saturday. I have thought up a few ideas, including some super heroes, but ultimately I keep coming back to those women in the late 1600s who were accused of being witches. I am glad to see that more women are empowering themselves and each other nowadays. I'd like to dress up as one of those women from the 17th century. Witch doesn't have to have a negative connotation to it. It can simply mean someone who is empowering themselves to lead their best life.

Wow, I didn't realize that the whole weekend went by without me writing another post. It was a blur of good food, scary movies, and wine.

It's Tuesday now. I've been up since 5. The weather continues to be unbearably hot for September but at least we got some rain today. It has been raining pretty steadily all morning. It made the fresh batch of hot coffee all the more appealing. A big pile of laundry sits, waiting to be folded. I sit, waiting for the coffee to kick in.